Saturday, September 23, 2006

Going to Shul

It is 8am and I'm about to go to shul, temple, synagogue, services, roshashana day #2 services, the names are as infinite as god. For the record I prefer to say, "I'm going to SERVICES". I've only gone 7 times in my 23 years. This morning will make my eighth. Considering the fact that Israel is in such a fucked up place right now I hope part of the service includes a satellite discussion between the synagogue I go to and the prime minister of Israel (and his cabinet). We will talk via large flat screen plasma TVs, and he will listen intently as we remind him that this is the *New Year* and God says that we should Not Learn War; Jews should love peace and mercy.

"We know that life is hard, and maybe your eyes have been clouded... but over here in America it seems pretty clear what you should do: stop the war. make immediate and unconditional peace with Palestine, and never drop a bomb on anyone EVER again. Begin apologizing for all the innocence lost we will join you, apologizing for the rest of our lives."

he nods, turns to his cabinet who all seem to agree. There is a slight delay because of satellite connection and sun spots, but he says "thank you, Levis. You have solved our problem and brought the world closer to heaven."

Instead of making a terrorist video everyone in the congregation video tapes themselves giving blood and writing checks to Palestine, then the Hadassa women's group presents a pre-fabricated school building that they are sending with love to their neighbors' children.
I get worked up and start screaming about Palestine and Beirut and how I have friends who write blogs in those places and this is fucked up, you'd better talk about this and how are we going to end it. I start ranting and drooling and pulling my hair out with pieces of me falling through out the congregation. and then everyone pulls out a white stone which they must have picked up with their prayer books and yarmulkes at the front entrance or they were hidden in the pews all along and I never noticed-- and they stone me. The bible talks a lot about stoning.
After the first hour of reading the torah the synagogue is bombed by either a missile attack or the foresight someone had to plant explosives.


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