Thursday, October 12, 2006

Fall Fashion: a Comprehensive Guide

There are several ways to approach this comprehensive guide: head to toe; inner to outer layer; new age to retro. But I think I will go from utility to whimsy.

Utility #1: Pants
A. I remember in 1998 thinking about how stupid anyone in tapered jeans looked. Now I pity the fool in bell bottoms or raver-esque pants and am prepared to ask a professional seamstress to sew me into my jeans so tight you can see my leg hair. To see this 180 in my very strong opinion is rather troubling. How do I know if I am wrong or right? When I was young I was 110% sure that tapered pants were wrong. Now I feel that nothing else can be right. And thus I prove that there is no universal truth, take that Kant.

B. The sexy issue of the taper. Sure I’ve known punks and anarchist boys who have been sewing their jeans on for years, but now it is up to the rest of us. What does it mean for someone (a woman) who does not have stick legs to wear tapered pants. The reprocussions will be harsh, it will make our asses and thighs look even bigger because they will suddenly be compared to our ankles. I do not think this is what fashionists intended when they decided to retro our pant cut to the 80’s but it will undoubtedly be the result.

C. Why did I assume we’d all be wearing jeans? For some reason at this point nothing but jeans will do. Is it because of America? War? Cold weather? I don’t know. But what ever you do don’t wear khakis or corduroy, they are too soft and you will seem like a pussy.

D. The color is black and if you can’t stand having all black pants everything else should be such a dark shade of whatever it can only be mistaken as black

II. Shoes. I thought for a long time about what to do after my summer job ended and my 5 months living in sneakers from payless was over (seriously over, I threw them in the trash my last day).

A. Keds. Cheap, simple, alright looking if black in color, good for dancing, kind of a 'fuck-you' to all the converse and puma in the world. But honestly how could I wear them all winter unless I had plastic bags wrapped around my feet. These are good shoes for packing in your bag and putting on when you get to a house party in a blizzard. Blizzard you say? I thought this was Fall Fashion. In my mind fall is winter just missing the really big ugly coat (which we’ll discuss soon).
B. Boots. Considering it has already snowed today I have a feeling we’re in for a fucker of a winter and I feel like kicking ass these days so it is time for me to actually spend money and buy a pair of boots that will last me the rest of my life.
a. I of course appreciate the ankle cut boot very cute and mod, but what about snow and cold combined with tapered pants? I opt for a little higher on the calf
b. no laces
III. Shirts
A. Layers of thermal henleys over a hanes tank top which will be considered the winter bra for no special reason except it is cheap and will absorb sweat before it spreads to other layers, thus reducing the amount of laundry I have to do.
B. Sweaters should be tightly knit and real warm without being baggy. This kind of shit is hard to find. I have a French fisherman’s sweater my mom got in the 70’s that I’m never letting go of
C. Forsake the hoodie. This year I will not wear a zip up hoodie, at this point I look at it as a crutch I no longer want to use. Instead I will wear slim fitting sweat shirts. I bet I will regret this decision it is like saying I’m not going to drink whisky anymore
D. Formal Jackets. Blazer vs. Smock. For years I was a fan of the women’s blazer, so business like, powerful and finely tailored. But at this very informal point in my life I feel the blazer to be an inappropriate joke for me to wear. As our pants get tighter our shirts will get bigger. I’m way into smocks and Nehru collars, shirts you could wear as a chef, martial artists, or painter in the southwest desert.
IV. Jackets. In the winter your jacket is the only thing that matters, because we’re so poor and it is so cold no building unless there is dancing and sweating (in a tank top you were smart enough to wear as a bottom layer) will ever be warm enough. You’re never going to take off your coat, or hat for that matter. I have a windproof fleece jacket which is increadibley warm, lightweight, breathable, and fits me well. I should throw it away…because how can anyone respect me in a fleece? I should go to this huge thrift store on Grand that has about ½ a mile of leather coats. Sure it will be hard work digging through them but heck leather is warm, lasts a while, and because I ride a bicycle instead of a motorcycle how else will I affirm my connection to men with big balls, mustaches, and prove my animal like instinct in brawls and the bedroom.

***This concludes Part I: Utility. Take a break before we get to whimsy.


Blogger Rebecca said...

Will Whimsy depress me as much as Utility?

"When I was young I was 110% sure that tapered pants were wrong. Now I feel that nothing else can be right." -god, I feel/felt the same way. Weird.

"Forsake the hoodie." NEVER! I'll take my crutch- after all, a cute, thin sweater won't hide my stomach's fat rolls quite as well.

1:31 AM  
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