Friday, May 19, 2006

Lettuce Entertain You

Sometimes in a fit of oddness I decide to have a salad for dinner. I bought lettuce at the store as I was buying some much needed bread, mustard, and lunchmeats. With my new job I have to bring my lunch in a bag. Having worked in restaurants so far I have no self feeding supplies.
The story continues:
I rinsed the lettuce, excited to try the new Newman's own dressing, yuppie style.
I eat it and it is still crunchy. I know my own weaknesses and one of them is that I'm not very good at cleaning. So there's still grit on the lettuce alright, sand never hurt anyone. I keep eating and crunching. Then I look down and see a bug on one leaf of lettuce. Eww, I pick that sucker off, it has tiny legs and a plump translucent body. I do not feel badly for my karma, it is a bug and it didn't belong there. I'll keep eating, I'm a tough girl. Good thing I saw that one before I ate it.

Pause. Glance. I see another. and another bug crawling on the lettuce. All the crunching I've been doing. I stand up and spit out a mouthful of cud lettuce. I have been eating mounds of what look like leaf ticks. It is disgusting. In a fit of panic I call my mom. I can't believe I left a message on her machine asking what I should do. God I'm almost 23.

Being 23, a curious age, I looked up lettuce bugs on The results were interesting. Some were of course tips for gardeners but what was odd was a big section on Israel. Some articles came up in hebrew, and under image search there were men crying in yarmulka' lettuce in the shot. Is this a SNAFU (situation-normal-all-fucked-up) of google? or is there a plague in the holy land that no one told me about? I begin to itch and feel boils, maybe rain blood.


Anonymous greg said...

don't worry. one time, i ate half a slug (or larva or something) that was on a lettuce leaf. i didn't get sick, but it really sucked, because i was vegan at the time.

another time, i cooked my parents dinner. while we were eating, i noticed that the yummy curry sauce was stippled black. i thought: the pepper wasn't *that* coarsely ground. at closer glance, i realized that there were hundreds of tiny bugs floating in my dinner.

at this juncture, i was no longer vegan but was still very punk, so i didn't really mind. my parents, on the other hand, would have, but fortunately, they don't wear their glasses to dinner, so they were none the wiser.

9:12 PM  
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